it falls unplanned
Feb 4, 2024
Caleb
Meteor Shower at the Motel
I’ve had a hectic two weeks, but I really challenged myself to get a product out in time for this one. This is really just a brainstorm of a chord progression mixed with trying to just improvise a cascading vocal melody using some lyrics I had jotted down late one night. It’s essentially a first brainstorm session of a song.
Lyrics: (lyrics in parenthesis were cut during this brainstorm, but originally in my notes)
“Tryptophan, without a plan
Crossing stars and empty cars
A hideaway, a sky of pain
We die at last, and too soon
In the lamp light, I showed mine.
Scars like burning stars
Across the water-stained roof
I knew myself as bullet-proof
(I had no defense against you)
Fumigate, facetime masturbate
we’ve just watched the burnin of heaven’s gates
I hate so little, and none of you
I still love when your smell comes through
Reception’s left unmanned
Every lens is heaven bound
The Fall, it falls unplanned
A stunned inhale our only sound
(They fall like snowflake
and you don’t know
you’re covered til you’re soaked
to the bone — new phone and home.
Some shoes won’t fit,
seeking a cosmic fix,
it all hinged on a kid,
our liminal space, our Motel 6)”
Looking for feedback on
I'd love any notes on songwriting form here. Do you see a bridge, a chorus, a better melodic opportunity, a needed lyric cut or tweak, should it be expanded or distilled?
Discussion
EliasSZ February 14, 2024 11:43am (edited)
“Fumigate, facetime masturbate | we’ve just watched the burnin of heaven’s gates | I hate so little, and none of you | I still love when your smell comes through” these lyrics are SO good. I feel like this is closer to a final product than you think.
danhunt February 10, 2024 7:44pm
“We die at least, and too soon” OOF, you should be proud of this for that line alone. Really beautiful!
Ryan February 6, 2024 10:21pm (edited)
First off, well done on challenging yourself to complete the assignment! It’s seriously no small feat. Second, this feels like a complete thought to me, to be honest! I think you have the right amount of melodic variation, the pacing works well, and the “oo’s” are just enough of a break to provide the needed space. My only recommendation would be (and this is an exercise I put myself through often) to identify your favorite lyric and then make sure all the others are as close to it in quality as possible. Can be painstaking, but often rewarding.
Ben February 6, 2024 4:36pm
the “lo-o-o-ve” in “I still love when your smell comes through” is so well-delivered.
troods February 6, 2024 11:57am
This felt intimate to listen to, as if I were eavesdropping on someone’s evening heartfelt solo jam. Loved it!
nick February 5, 2024 11:19am (edited)
on time indeed—nicely done! and thanks for sharing even an early brainstorm. absolutely worth hearing.
a lot of these lyrics stand out in a great way. strong and clear but not obvious or overdone. “i hate so little, and none of you..” love this line. also the first line and whole verse is very compelling. i think at the very least, the outro “ooos” could be woven in again, either as an intro or in between verse 2 and 3. i dont think there’s a chorus here, but who needs one? say what you gotta say and get out of there. or just use the “ooos” as a sort of chorus. thumbs up.
Ben February 5, 2024 1:04pm
Big proponent of the Ooos As A Chorus movement.
Ryan February 6, 2024 10:17pm
“I hate so little and none of you” is so good!